types with three fingers at the speed of at least six or seven fingers.

once ate Da Bomb hot sauce and only cried for 15 minutes.

can think of big ideas, small ideas, and those illusive, under-appreciated medium ideas, too.

owns more lego houseplants than living ones.

is in need of a lawyer to sue Marvel Entertainment for stealing his last name and turning it into a robot butler.

headlined The Mall of America Christmas concert with his 6th grade school band as the 9th chair trumpeter and totally slayed Greensleeves

will gladly ghostwrite that birthday card you totally spaced on.

ajshkndj;kmjvmncfzfsdnbsjgfkasnzsfsadasfkm,.dnajsgkfbsakvbxznca,szdmb.j... sorry, that was my cat

cares too much. It's his greatest weakness. Also oversharing. Also Chicago mix popcorn.

runs a D&D campaign as his side hustle, leading him to a mastery of voices ranging from "angry orc" to "angry orc but he's a blacksmith this time."

is internationally ranked in VR Ping Pong and has beaten it to death in “Two Truths and a Lie.”

commits himself to working his metaphorical—and on rare late nights fueled by Red Bull and enthusiasm, physical—ass off.

has a cooking Instagram he’s totally gonna start updating again sometime soon. Maybe. Probably not.

is selling this line to anyone who'd like to advertise their business here for just $9.99 a month plus tax

purchased the business subscription of Squarespace just so he could make this effect.

likes to watch episodes of The Good Place in the bathtub.

can hit both a one and two-handed backhand in tennis down the line.

is no longer afraid of thunderstorms.

appreciates long-winded writing, but will gladly make things shorter for clients for money.